Sunday, November 21, 2010

On Hiatus

Today is my birthday.  I am 48 years old.  Am I sad about being 2 years out from fiddy?  No way.  I'm ecstatic about turning 48.  I'm not sure why.  I'm sure that the death of my beloved sister-in-law, Memory, at the age of (barely!) 51 has made me more grateful for every year.  Still, it's more than that.  I've been thinking a lot about what I want from life, what is working in my life and what isn't.  I'm turning inward, looking for answers deep inside.  Looking for peace and stability--that small still voice within.  It's awfully hard to hear it over the din.  And that's why I have decided to take a break from this blog for a while.  I've had a love-hate relationship with it from the beginning.  I'm a very private person, so putting my thoughts out here for the whole world to see has been somewhat painful, even though I blog somewhat anonymously.  It feels risky to put myself out here for all the world to see and comment on, and yet, it feels dishonest, this blogging anonymously.  It's a quandry.  And I have such limited time for creativity.  Blogging seems to me to be a conversation, and so I am aware of my "audience."  I temper my potty mouth, my political and religious beliefs, my thoughts, my soul.  In my private journals and creative pursuits, I am most authentically me.  And that's what I need more of right now.  As the Peas say, Imma Be Me.  Offline, at least for a while.


vintage girl at heart said...

Happy Birthday!!
I can so relate to this post!

Robin Thomas said...

You do what you need to. Absolutely. SO proud of you, us...

Happy 48. I love you.

rlvd said...

i totally get being very aware that ppl are reading what you write and thinking about your audience--

enjoy your birthday and the break!

do like reading you tho :)-- probly would no matter how you worded and shared!

Imma Be Me :)

Zen Mama said...

Okay, so.

You know how completely out there I am and you are like ten times as clever and gifted and wordsmithy as I, so I would tell you to start another anonymous blog where not a soul knows it's you and let it rip. You don't even have to tell the LOTFW about it because some of us are bloggers and we like linking.

I know your creative time is limited but the things you have done so far are amazing and they are the essence of the inward peace you seek. Just look at our birdy.

All of the really, really great bloggers I know are 100% anonymous. It gives them the freedom to write from their gut. I personally love your potty mouth and each and every one of your beliefs because a) you are fucking brilliant and b) you are on my side of the political fence.

I have followers from my past life and present life; yet, I write all kinds of shit they can't believe. I have been thinking lately of scrapping my blog and going rogue so I can really let my hair down, curl some toenails, etc.

Your blog is a picture of one level of your life. The mama bear, the working mother, the wife, the friend. Keep it, post when you want to show off that beautiful girl of yours, but start something new, something clandestine and give it all you got.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.